i want this very badly..

:(

i was just thinking..this whole chasing after honours. working so hard to pull up my CAP score so that i am eligible for it. but i never really question why i want it so badly. and just now while reflecting, i am really afraid that my intentions are not sincere and pure. is it really for knowledge. or is it just because i know that it would look good on my resume. is it because i want my aunties and uncles to look at me and tell my cousins to take my lead? is it because i want my friends to see thay "hey Lin is not so dumb after all"? i don't think tat i am all that academic, as in i dont think i would enjoy the process at all...but since young i've worked hard for my tests and exams but they're not really my life and soul. I noe some people who are really out there and enthusiastic about their education. how i sometimes wish i was more like them. i know that education is important. but i also know that there is more to life. what if i choose not to take my honours even if i can? what if i choose the path to becoming a housewife and a devoted mother. what if i put in my everythng into my education just for the sake of getting a good degree and getting a good job. i now tat if i do that, i would just be living in cycle after cycle bcos when i complete my university education, that is not the end. i would just enter another cycle where i would put in my heart and soul clambering for the top position. for what? money? prestige? a name in society? i am pretty damn sure that i would not be enjoying the ride. but this is life. in Singapore. I am already sucked in the system. i feel the pressure to do well because when i see my peers i get scared. i dont want to be on the losing end. who wants to be on the losing end? i feel that everything i do now is relative to what others do. which is down right depressing. it's like that dumb bell curve that NUS uses to grade us. honestly i dunno where this entry is heading to. what i know is wherever im heading to.......i dun want to not enjoy the ride. i do not want to do something for the sake of doing it. i feel like i've been doing a lot of that in my life. i dun mind feeling tired. i might whine,complain talk about giving up. but im just being my irritating and attention seeking self. but hey at least im enjoying what im doing right. so ya..that's my first aim cos i've been trying to find an aim/objective in life, and that is to not feel obligated to do the things i have to do in life. to find the true meaning behind each and every path that i take. and to not do things that i do not believe in the aim behind it even if it promises wealth and prestige.

ok i have to say that after re-reading this entry it is very badly structured. but i guess that's the way it is when i am typing and thinking at the same time. lol. it's all over the place.

Labels: ramblings