Saturday, January 13, 2007

on a lighter note
amidst all this sadness..i was trying to look at somethiing positive or light hearted to focus on..and what else besides fashion. i think about it all the time. on the train, when i'm eating, during my free time...ok la..almost all the time

i was just pondering about it the other day and i realised that almost everyone is wearing the same thing. ballet flats, leggings, empire waisted tops, belt on their waist, not hips,prints etc,etc actually it's kind of silly of me to think like this. every decade is defined by what people wear, the trends they follow ie. almost everyone follow dresses the same way all the time. get my drift?

and i dun want to be like that... i dun want to follow the trends.but some trends are worth it. i mean ballet flasts are seriouly heaven sent. finally somethign stylish and comfortable to walk around school with.and i think it has been around for quite some time. so i do pray for th etrend to be over and for it to just return to being just simply stylish.

and..i realise that i should re-invent myself. which i must say is not very easy due to one very very important factor. $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$..yes yes..the root of all evil. i mean if u follow trends it's easier on your pocket because the clothes are mass producde to meet demands. so ya, for me to re-invent myself. it would take much patience, savings and most of all creativity.

so the first thing i did was got myself a style icon to replace my present ones who you are going to roll on th efloor laughing when u hear who they are. omg, wth..lets' just say it. my style icons WERE the olsen twins. well they are stylish u noe. i mean they did start the layering trend. but ya la. now i have a new style icon..and it is non other then the ever stylish AUDREY HEPBURN. God i love her. her style is so simple, chic, feminine. i simply love it. i mean she was the one who wore the epitome of the LBD. have u seen her in breakfats at tiffanys? even her nightgown was impecably stylish. it was actually more of a night dress. well i am still doing research on her. but i love her. so so much. and i hope that i can be half as stylish as she ever was.

so anw..i made a list of things i'm going to avoid buying anymore.
so for me there will be no more...
1. Empire waist tops
2. prints
3. bright, bright colours
4. long necklaces

and there will more of
1. block colours
2. muted colours
3. clothes that fit me well

sighs no more buying anything cheap i find at bugis street although i will not swear off that place.

double sighs :) i love fashion...

Adieu

| 9:48 PM |

Adieu.

Friday, January 12, 2007

Because it is in pain we find the meaning in life
So much has happened over a span of a mere 4 days. It’s difficult to not explain it. It’s difficult to let not people noe how affected I am by all this. But I knew that I wanted the matter to be private, only known to the closest around me.

But yesterday was life changing. Yesterday I poured everything out after holding it in me for far too long. Yesterday, I sincerely felt as if I could not go on anymore. And that all I have to give, I had already given it. I was emotionally drained but I realized that I could stop. And for once, it felt okay. It felt right and it felt good.

For once I realized that it’s ok to let go. And for once, I was really sure of my decision. I noe that I’ll be hurting another’s feelings but sometimes you have to hurt for things to be better and that’s ok. Maybe they do not understand your decisions that u make in life, maybe they will hate you for life. But you have to be very sure of your decision and u have to be very brave to make that move.

I never regretted the day I met you. I never regretted the two and the half years we spent together. I never regretted the decision to end it. I never regretted the decision I made to give it one more go.

Thank u for everything.
You made me the person that I am today

And thank u to my friends and family, the contants in my life for seeing me through this.
But most of all..thank you Allah. For your grace, for finally showing me the light at the end of this very long and winding tunnel after I prayed so hard for it.

I wished things didn’t ended of this way. But I am a believer that there’s a reason behind everything.

And for the very last time
Adieu
Mon Cherie

| 11:53 PM |

Adieu.

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

another day

my heart is as heavy as lead. another day. another uphill struggle. i'm just trying my best to put up a brave front at school. and i'm so not about the drama. plus there's a thousand and one things for me to settle. like for example today, me and ,makcik shamiah had to settle publicity for teroka seni. Alhamdulillah we managed to post all 162 letters to all the secondary schools. wow..my hands were cramp from writing addresses. i just hope that the postman can read what i wrote. heh. i'm so proud of the poster. hehehe. altho i didnt do it. i think it's very nice la. so credits go to laila for the beyootifooooool poster. i think she's the new poster girl for pbm. heh. i hope that teroka seni would be a success...cos everybody worked so hard. and of course for my other 2 projects also, cakap petah and pentas budaya. It's amazaing that i get to work with such great people who are extremely efficient!

another day, another battle. but time heals all wounds.

adieu

| 7:47 PM |

Adieu.

Tuesday, January 09, 2007

MY love life: officially on hold
Those close to me know that my love life has been on limbo since 16 June 2006. But those closer to me has been with me on this never ending roller coaster ride. It has come to a point in time when I am embarrassed that they are on this ride with me. I just want to save them the trouble and most of all the pain. They never asked for it. It’s just not fair for them. You see, that’s the thing about me. I care about what other people are feeling. I’m worried that they are hurt, I cry when I see them go through a rough time in life. Call me emotional, sentimental or even sensitive. That’s just me. I can safely say that I am 3/4 heart and ¼ brain. And I hate hurting people’s feelings. There has been countless situations in my life where I would rather just cringe and bear through the shit I have to go through to save someone else from getting his/her feelings hurt. It’s not all a good thing. Sometimes I fail to realize that it’s okay that others get hurt because eventually they will get through all that hurt, and maybe they’re better off being hurt in the first place because it is just something that they have to go through.

Ok… I think I’ve lost you. Sorry. Just my ramblings.

Today my love life took a surprising turn for the worst. I cant cry anymore. There’s no more tears. I am just in this mode where I am thinking “What the hell is happening in my life?”. I dunno, things are just moving on too fast and I am desperately trying to find the meaning of everything that has been going on. So this cough and flu and headache is seriously not helping. I am only in my second day at school, buti t feels as if it’s been 2 months. Honestly I love school especially now. I love everything about it. It brings about this certain rush of excitement, anticipation, thrill that I just cannot describe. There’s the lessons which are so cool. I find myself going “wow!” and “ooooooooooooooooo” a lot. And then there are the projects that I am working on. Yes I do complain about my work load. But I really love going through this totally new experience and learning from it. You meet so many new people from all walks of life that never fail to awe me. I love it. I have always wanted this.

It feels as if I should be feeling contented with my life. I am a lucky girl. I have an extremely loving family that supports me. And my friends, I am so thankful for them. Seriously I think I’m one of the luckiest people when it comes to friends. Academically, I’m not fantastic and I am performing below my expectation but hey, I am not totally depressed on it or on the verge of giving up. I do feel motivated. I am not complacent either, I know that where I am today is no big deal to A LOT of people. So Laila is right. I do have a lot of things going on for me in my life.

So why is there always this sub-conscious need for me to find a partner in life. Is it purely human nature? I cannot imagine leading my life single for the rest of my life. I cannot imagine myself without kids and not subscribing to the norms of the modern career woman, successful, confident but yet at the same time a loving mother and wife. I think I have had that image etched in my mind since I was a little girl. And I am maybe sub consciously desperate to find the perfect man who would fulfill that dream with me. And now I feel so lost. I feel so stupid about having that dream because I think that it has come to a point of time in my life where I am too absorbed that I forget to stop and think about everything in life because I live in this bubble.

So that is why my love life is on hold. I know I’ve said it a million times, but I really mean it this time.

Please dun judge me

Adieu

Ps. If u’re reading this, we’ve really tried all we had,put our heart and soul into this and I never blame u for anything. Love was not enough. I guess this is just something we have to go through. Goodbye.

| 7:51 PM |

Adieu.

Sunday, January 07, 2007

Sundays
today is sunday.....hurray.family day..the only bad thing about sundays is that it's monday the next day and in my case tomoro would be the first day of schoo...oh no...............so fast........i felt like i didnt totally enjoy my holidays..ok la there was the dubai trip which i am ever so thankful for..but after that it wasnt much of a holiday..but then again i wonder what constitutes a proper holiday for me..hahhaha...

i woke up bright and early today cos i thot that i had to go for tuition..but my tutee's mom called me and cancelled it last minute..which is also good la..i didnt feel like goin cos i'm sick...AGAIN! i mean i just recovered la..and so yesterdayi had srepsils for bfast, lunch and dinner...bleagh..

so since i spent the whole day at home mama asked me to cut her chilli kering..walau...........no joke la...i had backache after that...and my hands were stinging...aiyah nojoke la becoming a housewife..

but all that was worth it...went out with cik ani and family for dinner..here's some fotos...
ina was for some reason camera shy today..sighs

there look la so shy..but for what?

then she took stupid pics of me...wth

so i decided to take fotos with dedik..but he also action shy...then hide behind angah

when i finally got hold of him he refuses to smile

now we noe why he didnt want to smile...hehehhe

and i made sure i ate as much as possible

look la how much we ate..hahahha..but we had fun

adieu

| 9:42 PM |

Adieu.