not feeling in the mood these days. i know exactly why. but what i dunno is how to solve it. the world is coloured by shades of grey. and everytime im faced with a problem i ask for 2 things from God. Firstly, i ask him to strengthen my iman through the experiences of my problems and also iman for me to make the right decisions while facing the problem. Secondly i ask that He show me -eventually- the silver lining behind the cloud because i am a big believer that something good will emerge out of every challenge or hardship.

i have identified the problem, but i am stumped for an answer. i have seen the little silver linings here and there while experiencing hardship. i have not arrived at a solution. i feel my iman weakening but yet i thankful for those times when i can feel Allah guiding me as i make my decisions. painful, yes. but i knew that they were the right ones to make.

i'm not sure whether university life have changed me. personally, i do believe that it has changed the way i look at life. it has changed my perspective on life. so if there were any change i would think that it would be intrinsic. what i dunno is whether i have changed in terms of the way i relate to ppl, the way i act. maybe when i change intrinsically it shows? im not quite sure. if i did i always pray that it's for the better. i know my views about the other gender has changed very dramatically. but i cannot help it. happenings in my life ie. friends, personal relationships, family, have shown me again and again that i cannot rely on a lot of them. maybe im more cynical about them than i use to be. but im not a bra-burning feminist. perhaps this sudden change in perspective of them and my vocal views on them has made some to label me as aggresive. i use to hate it when someone describe me as such. but this year alone, i have heard many who commented that i have becomed less lemah lembut. and i feel so stupid for being affrected by this. the reason is simply because i feel less of a woman. i know it sounds ridiculous. i love being a woman. and being lemah lembut is one of the factors that distinguishes us from the other gender. and being labled as aggresive makes me feel less like a woman. and i dont like that.

but than again....something that dawned upon me lately is that everything in this world is relative. and when i think about life tat way. i somehow feel a little bit better.

that was completely incoherent. i dont even noe what's my point. and i suddenly find this entry amusing. haha...