Tuesday, January 09, 2007
MY love life: officially on hold
Those close to me know that my love life has been on limbo since 16 June 2006. But those closer to me has been with me on this never ending roller coaster ride. It has come to a point in time when I am embarrassed that they are on this ride with me. I just want to save them the trouble and most of all the pain. They never asked for it. It’s just not fair for them. You see, that’s the thing about me. I care about what other people are feeling. I’m worried that they are hurt, I cry when I see them go through a rough time in life. Call me emotional, sentimental or even sensitive. That’s just me. I can safely say that I am 3/4 heart and ¼ brain. And I hate hurting people’s feelings. There has been countless situations in my life where I would rather just cringe and bear through the shit I have to go through to save someone else from getting his/her feelings hurt. It’s not all a good thing. Sometimes I fail to realize that it’s okay that others get hurt because eventually they will get through all that hurt, and maybe they’re better off being hurt in the first place because it is just something that they have to go through.
Ok… I think I’ve lost you. Sorry. Just my ramblings.
Today my love life took a surprising turn for the worst. I cant cry anymore. There’s no more tears. I am just in this mode where I am thinking “What the hell is happening in my life?”. I dunno, things are just moving on too fast and I am desperately trying to find the meaning of everything that has been going on. So this cough and flu and headache is seriously not helping. I am only in my second day at school, buti t feels as if it’s been 2 months. Honestly I love school especially now. I love everything about it. It brings about this certain rush of excitement, anticipation, thrill that I just cannot describe. There’s the lessons which are so cool. I find myself going “wow!” and “ooooooooooooooooo” a lot. And then there are the projects that I am working on. Yes I do complain about my work load. But I really love going through this totally new experience and learning from it. You meet so many new people from all walks of life that never fail to awe me. I love it. I have always wanted this.
It feels as if I should be feeling contented with my life. I am a lucky girl. I have an extremely loving family that supports me. And my friends, I am so thankful for them. Seriously I think I’m one of the luckiest people when it comes to friends. Academically, I’m not fantastic and I am performing below my expectation but hey, I am not totally depressed on it or on the verge of giving up. I do feel motivated. I am not complacent either, I know that where I am today is no big deal to A LOT of people. So Laila is right. I do have a lot of things going on for me in my life.
So why is there always this sub-conscious need for me to find a partner in life. Is it purely human nature? I cannot imagine leading my life single for the rest of my life. I cannot imagine myself without kids and not subscribing to the norms of the modern career woman, successful, confident but yet at the same time a loving mother and wife. I think I have had that image etched in my mind since I was a little girl. And I am maybe sub consciously desperate to find the perfect man who would fulfill that dream with me. And now I feel so lost. I feel so stupid about having that dream because I think that it has come to a point of time in my life where I am too absorbed that I forget to stop and think about everything in life because I live in this bubble.
So that is why my love life is on hold. I know I’ve said it a million times, but I really mean it this time.
Please dun judge me
Adieu
Ps. If u’re reading this, we’ve really tried all we had,put our heart and soul into this and I never blame u for anything. Love was not enough. I guess this is just something we have to go through. Goodbye.
| 7:51 PM |
Adieu.
